Timetable.

Final Lap! Final Push!

As scheduled, I'll be busily busy in the next following month ahead...

So...

Anyways, this is an important timetable to remind me, myself of my own working process in order to meet/catch up with the MANY submission requirements. FML. =_="

*Fingers Crossed*

Engine: Full Gear Ahead!

Like what they always say, "If you're going through hell, keep going!"

"I CAN DO IT!" - DEY! Always remember this. (:

"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot on it and hang on."

A "Valuable" Lesson.

I wish I could say the long absence from posting has been good for me. Honestly, I don't know if it has been or not. I'd promised myself that I wouldn't compose a post until I could write something happy. I'm still working on that. But every once in awhile, there are things on my mind that aren't funny or lighthearted. And for some reason, tonight is one of those nights.

I don't know what to do anymore. All I do is try and help people as much as I can, to a point where I disregard my own obligations. As I sit here and type my feelings away, I think about if there is anyone out there that feels the same way.

"I really don't think life is worth living anymore. Understanding what life really has to offer has led me to one conclusion: I don't want any of what it has. I hope someone reads this because no "friends" I've will. None even know I exist anymore. I used to be popular. I used to be ignorant, believing life was some great thing and we all have something we're meant to do. Fear of living seems to be taking over my life, I don't like it, but I don't know what to do about it."

I know, I jolly well know - Every single day is a struggle to stay happy even slightly positive. Everything you used to enjoy gives you no pleasure now. You've no direction. No motivation or anything you want to work towards to. Life is just a day to day struggle. A series of unfortunate events that lead to nothing. Emptiness is the constant in your life. You're screaming inside and no one is listening. Perhaps someone here would hear you. You feel like you're the only one who feels the way you feel. Like the whole world is against you? Like even your best friends just don't get you? Like you're screaming from the inside and it just won't come out? You can't shake it. The tears won't stop. Where do you begin?

You're right, having no direction or meaning means one's life is pointless. On top of that, it becomes difficult to change if one has no motivation as well because there's just nothing there to begin with. You feel alone because your mind is above it all. Seeing things in a perspective where no one can really judge you because you just need to shrug on their comments and the conversation goes stone dead. Typical.

"You're a kind hearted person, yet you feel like all you do is cause trouble. Its not the loneliness that kills you but the fact that you're so depressed, you isolate yourself to be lonely and you trap yourself to feel lost without a purpose. You care about everyone in this world of ours and yet some people still have the nerve to get on your back."

At this point, I want whoever who's reading this to get this etched in their minds, START LEARNING TO MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. Seriously, I EFFING hate that. Love to get your hands stuck in 'deep shit' so much? Do it else where, really. Thank you.

I wish for that special moment in time when I meet that girl who will revolutionize my life, so we can both live and be complete. Is it wrong for me to think that all I should be doing is volunteering and searching for my soul mate?

People tell me to grow up, but I can't, I've a feeling why but can never admit to myself. I do care a lot but this depression makes me not care about anything anymore.

Are you still out there? It really breaks my heart seeing you behaving this way, but this too shall pass. I'm sure you're not mentioning people in your life that would be at loss if you were gone. You probably don't even realize the people you touch everyday. Just try to continue to put kindness in the world and hopefully happiness or at least a break from misery will come sooner than later.

It is sad when you see the true thoughts people harbor upon you. When you thought that you could just be yourself around people only to find out that they are secretly judging you. Those who have, have no room to judge.

I don't really like change much, somehow it threatens me. I like to think of myself as adaptable and flexible, but in reality I think I've become settled in my own ways, maybe its something to do with getting older, whatever it is I don't like it in myself, but its there, always have been.

It seem to be the same in all areas of my life, just that I don't notice the change. Don't get me wrong, most of the time I'm quite happy with my life, and I can't blame anyone for my life, life is what you make it as, but I'm beginning to wonder whether I've lost the ability to change it, to turn it around, have I left it too late to get it undone?

I wish...

• That I could be turned upside down and shaken until every bad thing fell out of me.
• That I could be turned inside out and scraped so that every tainted thought can be removed.

The world is a sick place and its only getting worse.

People are out spending fortunes on gifts for people who already have so much. People are out drinking and smoking their money away. People are selling their bodies in order to get more money for more drugs...or just to feed their families. People are on the front line "fighting" a war (that some big politicians started)...getting injured and left with very little compensation. The earth and nature is suffering due to pollution.

I wish I know that I could do to make a difference. I wish I had the guts to be bolder.

Hey, I can't be everything to everyone.

Maybe you like me, maybe not. It doesn't really matter.

Well, such is life.

"At the end of the day, nobody gives a fuck, so why expect people to care anyway? I'm a bad person, I'm a weak person, I'm a sinful person with evil desires. I don't deserve any sympathy at all."

Unfortunately, it doesn't kill the pain.

Hurt have been done, one can forgive but not forget. The relationship we once shared is no longer the same. This is not how I thought things would be. This is not how I wanted things to be. I don't know if I can explain what exactly is wrong but something is.

Let all of this stop right here and then alright? No more, please.

Make this a "valuable" lesson for you and me, all of us, I really can't "afford" for us to go through this a second time.

Dey, remember what I've said, always. Never give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about. Stand by you. (:

"You can forgive someone almost anything. But you cannot tolerate everything...we don't have to tolerate what people do just because we forgive them for doing it. Forgiving heals us personally. To tolerate everything only hurts us all in the long run."

Breakfast.

A hearty home-made breakfast to kick start a long dreadful day ahead. :D

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'. If you know what I'm getting at.

By the end, the brothers find that balance, when they touch each other on the shoulder over breakfast and it's understood that what should never have driven them apart almost drove them apart. I think that's a true moment, really.

The importance of breakfast, who really gives a damn about it? I do. As a matter of fact, I'd be appreciating it more than ever now.

"Expect problems and eat them for breakfast."

SNORE.

After 2 crazy nights in school, I finally got back home to bathe in the late afternoon and directly went down for the prize presentation that evening. I never imagined it'd actually be such a big event; showcasing of vintage automobiles, tree plantings, guest of honour MM Lee, etc.

What can I say? "Bad day, bad timing." I had to skipped the dinner reception with an empty stomach(that I regretted, BIG time) and I didn't even get to shake MM Lee's hands before I rushed off, back to SP...

Got back and stayed over for another night till this morning to finish up with the rest of the subission requirements. Plywood model done in 1:100 scale, base measurement of 1.4m by 0.5m, the problem with it? Way too big and heavy to be done at home, let alone of bringing back and forth, resorting to camp over in studio...

The studio feels exactly like hell with fluorescent lightings, no joke, seriously... While having to bear with the humidity that was always rising, 'cos the air-conditioners aren't suppose to be working over the weekends, thus ended up having to go half naked...

Towards the end, manual hand drawn drawings was the worst. One can physcially black-out in a split second; without even knowing it, taking a closer look at my drawings, TADA! "additional-unwanted-strokes" on them. -_-" Had to redraw and redraw, very much up to the limit of my maximum 'blowing' point. Was so fedup. ARGH.

Atlas, it's all over for now, submission done... Next step. Crit week. Hallelujah.

Now? To accumulate back my needed hours of sleep.......................... T.T

GOODNIGHT. GOODMORNING. GOOD AFTERNOON. & GOODNIGHT AGAIN.

"Death's brother, Sleep."

Rush.

2 posts in 2 days after a long period of dormancy is odd, I know but who comes with these annoying ubiquitous code boxes anyway?

Forgive me for this sparingly emo one-liner post.

I've learnt that the lesser time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

Think its very true for many of us, ain't it? (:



"What may be done at any time will be done at no time."

It Poured & It Rained.

Okay, I admit it, this blog seems looks and is more or less DEAD.

A storm in a coffeepot, sounds like what's going on in my head. Today, was, a very good day. Feel like something heavy was let go.

The rain couldn't affect me like it normally does... no it added to the good stuff. If only everyday could be this...

"Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last day you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will."

Lost Generation.

I am part of the lost generation
And I refuse to believe that
I can change the world

I realize this maybe a shock but...
"Happiness comes from within."
is a lie, and
"Money will make me happy"
So in 30 years I will tell my children
they are not the most important thing in my life
My employer will know that
I have my priorities straight because
work
is more important than
family
I tell you this
Once upon a time
Families stayed together
but this will not be true in my era
this is a quick fix society
Experts tell me
30 years from now I will be celebrating the 10th anniversary of my divorce
I do not concede that
I will live in a country of my own living
In the future
Environmental destruction will be the norm
No longer can it be said that
My peers and I care about this earth
It will be evident that
My generation is apathetic and lethargic
It is foolish to presume that
There is hope.

And all of this will come true unless we choose to reverse it.

There is hope.
It is foolish to presume that
My generation is apathetic and lethargic
It will be evident that
My peers and I care about this earth
No longer can it be said that
Environmental destruction will be the norm
In the future
I will live in a country of my own living
I do not concede that
30 years from now I will be celebrating the 10th anniversary of my divorce
Experts tell me
this is a quick fix society
but this will not be true in my era
Families stayed together
Once upon a time
I tell you this
family
is more important than
work
I have my priorities straight because
My employer will know that
they are not the most important thing in my life
So in 30 years I will tell my children
"Money will make me happy"
is a lie, and
"Happiness comes from within."
I realize this maybe a shock but...

I can change the world
And I refuse to believe that
I am part of the lost generation



"Happiness comes from within."

Merit Prize.

Checked my email this morning and happened to know that the results are out;

"Dear Mr Chan,

Tanjong Pagar Town Council Drawing Contest 2009

Congratulations! You are our Merit Prize winner and have won for yourself $200 in the Tanjong Pagar Town Council Drawing Contest 2009.

There will be a prize presentation ceremony on Sunday, 8 November 2009, 5pm at Blk 95 Henderson Road, in conjunction with our Tanjong Pagar GRC Tree Planting Day. We will be reserving 2 seats for you. Please keep the date available and we will furnish more details at a later date.

The prize will be given in the form of a cheque. Therefore, we will need some information like your name (as it appears in your bank record), mailing address and NRIC number to process the cheque.

Should you require any clarification, please feel free to contact Ms Rachael Ng at DID: 6411 9408.

Thank you for participating in our Tanjong Pagar Town Council Drawing Contest 2009.

Yours sincerely,
Shirley Aloysius
PR Manager
Tanjong Pagar Town Council "

Although it is not something big but I'm delighted to have such a pleasant notice of 'cos. Still, same goes, "I'm definitely glad that at least I gave it a shot. (:"



"It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop. "

The First Sign.

It've been 6long months since I'm finally able to be donating blood again. Yupp, I could still "vividly"(I try very hard not to, that's why.) remember that dark, horrifying period of my chicken pox days back in April, it was just terrible... Terrifying flashbacks of those !@#@$@*@#! images in my mind... Just simply thinking of it, is enough to give me the creeps. Urgh!... thankfully it's all over now. :D

Today's my fifth time committing to blood donation. Hopefully, in the next 5years(1donation-3months) to come, I will be able to reach my sole target of a total 25donations. Of 'cos I'd continue to commit, if I'm still here on planet Earth in time to come after that 5years, that is. Life's never too short, I'd certainly wished I'm able to go further too...



Best of all, I knew I wasn't suppose to be drinking especially after I had made a blood donation. But heck, I still went ahead. Came home(which I didn't intend to initially), lucky I've managed to control till then before I puked every-yucky-thing out, I could see the bits of century egg from the porridge I had consumed earlier on just before we left for home.

What I'd be expecting to happen, actually happened, I noticed that the damn wound from the needle hole started bleeding profusely when I was trying to flush the puke down the toilet bowl. Great just great... Right now, I'm sitting down here, semi-conscious, half awake, in front of my laptop, composing this very post while trying to stop the bleeding on the other hand... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.



"It's not surprise I won't be here tomorrow. I can't believe that I stayed till today."

AVIEL!

Aviel's "nanny" for the day... \/(T__________________________T)"\/

For every 2-3minutes this little one would come peeping through the door which seem either way too huge or over-sized for him, would be squeaking away,

"What you doing?" >>> :D

And when you're taking way too long to reply him or simply when he thinks that you're totally ignoring him, this attention-seeker would try to squeak even louder and draggier just to get your attention,

"What you dooooooooooooooooooooooooooiiinng?!?!" >>> >:(

It doesn't matter if you've replied to his question 2-3minutes earlier on, he'll still be asking you the above same question repeatedly, over and over again whenever he comes through that door. Sheesh... to the very extend you... well... can't be bothered to anymore! But who would bear to break his little heart? :D Hence, I've been "entertaining" him for the whole afternoon. HAHA.

There was this time whereby I noticed him munching hard on something that seem a little "extreme" for that small mouth of his. Whilst, trying to poke some fun into him at the same time, I started throwing him questions in the exact same manner and tone of his, \m/(^__________________________^)\m/

"Aviel, what you eating?" >>> O_O"

"Choc-let!" >>> v^^,

"Nugget?" >>> O=

"Nooooooo!... Choc-let!!!" >>> ):

"Oh... is the nugget yummy?" >>> (:

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I'M EATING CHOC-LET!!!" >>> >:(

HAHAHA! Okok, it was CHOCOLATE that he was busy munching away. Well, I ought to thank Aviel thou, thanks to him, he had made my long, dreadful day both a happy and an enjoyable one. There's always, always, always something to be thankful for. (:



"No one is useless in this world who lightens the burden of another."